Yesterday afternoon I was in the kitchen, in my apron (a cute pink striped number from Williams Sonoma, but an apron all the same) finishing up my husband’s favorite lasagna for dinner. The girls were sitting nearby having their snacks when Abby asked me: Can you be a Mommy and a cheerleader? My friend Katherine wants to be both. But not for long. She would only be a cheerleader until she had a baby in her belly.
Oh. My.
What decade am I living in? And exactly what kind of role model have I become? Somehow, “Yes, honey, you can be a mommy and a cheerleader” does not seem like the right answer. But the truth is I am not sure I have the right answer.
During my second pregnancy, when I found out I was going to be the mother of another girl, I suddenly felt I needed better answers to the question of what a woman can and should be. With our family growing, I also began to reconsider the choices I had made regarding work and family. I read all sorts of books in search of answers. I read classics like The Feminine Mystique. I read about Mommy Wars and The Price of Motherhood. I found interesting and insightful work out there from amazing women of all ages. These books, as well as the conversations I had with many wonderful women in my life helped me to better understand the issues, but ultimately did not provide the magic answer I was looking for.
So I did what seemed best for me and my family, which was put my career on hold to be home with my girls after Claire was born. And I am happy. There are miserable days but overall I am deeply content with my life and my decision. I feel I am doing exactly what I should be doing at this point in my life. To be honest, the thought of going back to work terrifies me.
But what do I want for my girls? Do I tell them they can be or do anything, only to discover later the problems with “having it all” if all includes the desire to be a mother? What alternative is there? Don't get too wrapped up in this career thing because you might find yourself giving it up? Should I encourage them to consider careers that might be more compatible with motherhood and be more satisfying in the long run?
Maybe there is no right answer. Maybe they will not even want to be mothers. Or not want careers. Maybe every woman has to find her own right answer. I guess above all I want my girls to make the most of whatever life offers them. Even if it involves cheerleading.
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what a great post. Being a mom is so hard. So many things to stress over.
ReplyDeleteI think there is no right answer. I feel that if we raise our girls helping them see that they can choose what to do with their lives, and to not limit themselves based on their gender, then we are doing them right. :)
have a great weekend.
I should totally read those classics before Anna starts asking me questions like this - thanks for the push. I worry, too, that she is already so wrapped up in Cinderella and Belle and their happily ever afters that are really about someone else: and men, at that. My mom (who has a very powerful job, which she worked when I was a kid and still works) always reminded us that we were responsible for creating our own happiness. And she never put perimeters on what that meant. I'm just learning what she sacrificed to balance it all, and what I am able to sacrifice.
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