when somebody loves you

Over the years some strange things have made me cry. Today it was a scene from Toy Story 2.

The scene where Jesse, the little cowgirl doll, reveals that she is so sad and bitter because she was forgotten by the girl who once loved her.

In a flash back we see a little girl dressed up like just like the doll. The two of them are laughing and playing in the sun together. The doll basks in the warmth and completeness of the girls love. Then the doll falls behind the bed and gets forgotten as the girl grows up. From under the bed the doll watches the toys get pushed aside and teenage things take their place. With amazement and great sadness, she realizes she has been forgotten. Finally, the grown girl drops some makeup under the bed, reaches under and finds the doll. The little doll is so happy to feel loved again, but it turns out the girl is just bringing her to the donation bin.

Damn Pixar and their amazing ability to capture all the warmth and magic of childhood and then show it all disappear in two minutes.

All at once it hit me that my girls are going to grow up and like the doll I am going to be tossed aside. Today I am their favorite playmate. They need and want me all the time, day and night. They want to share everything with me. Their needs are intense but so is their love.

Their warm little bodies are mine to kiss anytime. Their sweet little voices tell me they love me throughout the day. They want to eat everything I eat, drink everything I drink, wear my makeup, wear my shoes. They want to be me. They were once a part of me.

How in the world am I supposed to go from being EVERYTHING to them to being a much smaller part of their lives? How do I go from the warmth and completeness of their baby love to the coldness, rejection and indifference that is sure to come?

Sure, I enjoy a night out with my husband. It would be nice to take a vacation or sleep in for a weekend. I would like to have more time to read or learn Photoshop, but they are my LIFE. Having them changed my life so dramatically and so completely that I just can't imagine what my life will be without their presence, without their demands and their love, to define each day.

I am beginning to think the hardest part of motherhood is not giving birth or toddler tantrums or even the crazy, utterly exhausting newborn period. I am beginning to think that letting go of these babies I have held so close to my heart is going to be the hardest part of all.

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One Hip Baby

The cutest part is hearing her say the word iPod

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What is spring without a little rain and mud?

More Wordless Wednesday

mommy's little helper

We have all been told that television is bad for kids. Bad. Evil. Promotes violence. Leads to obesity. Decreases IQ. And that is if your kid is over the age of two. If they are under two, don't even think about turning on the Elmo. He is down right toxic. You might as well go out and get some lead paint for the crib instead.

What these studies fail to consider is what the child would be experiencing if he or she was not watching television. Engaged parent reading - better. Enraged parent yelling- maybe not.

Let me offer an example.

Today was a somewhat long day, the highlight of which was Abby departing from a play date with the words "I am never coming to your house again. Ever." This of course was said to the highly sensitive friend with a touch of social phobia.

Finally, it was the end of the day. All I wanted was to get dinner on the table. Both kids were under foot whining about various things. Abby had managed to run into things and injure herself multiple times. And did I mention Abby is also giving up her afternoon nap?

Insults were swirling around my head. Mean things. Things a mother should not say to children she loves. A verbal assault I know I would have regretted was on the very tip of my tongue when instead I headed over to the television and pressed the big red on button.

"Who wants to watch TV?" I said instead.

Two children screamed "ME!"

Blessed silence followed. An opportunity for sanity to return for all.

In this house, television is not evil. In this house, television is Mommy's little helper.

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Ready to go, Mom!

It was about 50 degrees and rainy here today. This is the outfit Abby choose to wear for a play date at a friends house. I figured the other mom would understand.

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Daddy's Little Rock Star Princess

a perfect park day

I love city parks. Central Park, The Luxembourg Gardens and of course Boston's Public Garden are among my favorites.

I love the fact that these parks attract people from all walks of life, from the newest of babies to the most elderly. Some people are dressed up. Some people are practically naked to soak up the sun. People are running. People are painting. People are sleeping. People are in large groups. People are alone. There are families, there are lovey couples and there are tourists of all kinds. There is usually music of some sort coming from some place.

All of it adds up to an amazing feeling of life and energy.

Before children, I would spend hours just enjoying the fresh air, watching the people and maybe taking a few pictures or doing some reading.

My trips to the park with my girls are obviously quite different. There is very little sitting around. They are all action- chasing birds, chasing squirrels, chasing each other, trying to fall in the pond and of course tumbling around the playground. They sit on my fabulous picnic blanket just long enough to eat and then they are off again.

There are things I enjoy about the park in all seasons, but a few times a year we get perfect park days here in Boston, when the weather is warm and sunny but not yet hot.

Yesterday was one of these rare perfect days, so I packed up the girls and the double stroller and headed for the city.


It was a perfect day. The beautiful, hundred year old trees were in full bloom. The air smelled of sweet cherry blossoms. Our Daddy meet us for lunch and bought the girls balloons. The girls ran and played until they collapsed into the stroller, exhausted.

I will savor the memories as the weather turns rainy and our preschool battles resume this coming week.

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Another Exciting Saturday Night

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Chasing the Birds

Everyone has their own way of enjoying a day at the park.

the baby lust- a friday haiku

A brand new baby,
The creation of new life.
What could be sweeter?

My two little girls,
The most amazing blessing.
A perfect family.

Another baby?
Just crazy, crazy, crazy.
What am I thinking?


I have got the baby lust. Maybe it is the sweet spring air. Maybe it is the card that arrived today announcing the birth of an adorable little girl that is sleeping in my bassinet. Or my former bassinet. The one I gave to a friend who found herself unexpectedly expecting her third child. Because we are done having babies. All done. Our little family is perfect. No need for baby stuff here.

Maybe it is the friend that is ready to give birth to her third child any day now.

Any day now she will look into the eyes of her tiny newborn baby for the first time. She will smell that sweet newborn smell. She will savor the expressions, the softness, the newness that they grow out of so quickly. A completely new person to know and to nurture. To snuggle close and love like nothing else.

I can't remember anything else about having a newborn. Can you?

This is not the first time I have thought about having another baby. We have discussed the pros and cons. All the practical pros and cons. And made the practical decision that our family is perfect as it is. But that does not stop the baby lust.

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One Tired Abby

She may be big, but this is still my little baby girl.

the wonder and the magic

For the last two days, I have rocked this motherhood thing.

Yesterday, we hosted the perfect playdate. I invited over a friend of Abby's from school with a cool seeming mother and a younger sibling. Someone for everyone.

At the scheduled time I was showered, my kids were both neatly dressed and my house was the perfect balance of clean and messy. Just clean enough that they would not think we are total slobs and just messy enough that they would not think I am some neurotic clean freak that does not let her kids play with toys.

My new mom friend and I drank coffee and chatted easily as the kids played together. The kids then moved outside to run around and enjoy a peanut butter sandwich picnic. Things went so well that for a second date they invited us to the aquarium as their guests.

Then the day got even better. At dinner time, I announced to the girls that tomorrow we would be going to the zoo with grandma. Oh, the excitement. It was like they had won the kid lottery. The zoo and grandma. Two of the most exciting things in the whole world. All night they positively quivered with pure excitement. Excitement so intense, I could not help but be excited too.

This morning was bliss. They woke up excited. They were happy to get dressed. Happy to pile into the car. The mere mention of the word zoo kept them on their best behavior.

The actual zoo trip went about as well as any zoo trip with a toddler and a preschooler can go. We saw lots of animals. We saw lots of animal poo. Fun was had. Treats were bought. They got hot. They got tired. They got whiny. My mom and I ended up pushing 60 pounds of whiny kid up hill through the entire zoo and back to our car parked miles away.

Now both girls are sleeping. Not fitful restless sleep, but the deep peaceful sleep of deliriously happy children that have enjoyed days filled with fresh air and fun.

Suddenly, it seems like I am doing pretty well at this motherhood thing. Suddenly, it is fun. Finally, it is what I signed up for two years ago when I left my big job in the big city. As I look forward to the summer ahead, I feel what the girls felt last night. Pure excitement.

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Today, two pictures:

First Pony Ride

Yes, I am concerned about the way this animal and all the animals at this zoo are treated. Yes, I let her do it anyway.

Little Monkeys

Two little monkeys watch three little monkeys eat cookies. These guys were Claire's favorite.

three girls get in touch with nature

Recently, the girls and I came across a toad in the backyard.

Abby: What's that mommy?

Me: Aww, a little toad.

Abby: You touch it mommy.

Me: Why don't you touch it?

Abby: I don't want to touch it, you touch it Claire.

Claire: No. You touch it.

Yeah, something tells me if I had sons, this conversation would have gone very differently.

I am fine with my girls being girlie, but I don't want them to be ridiculously squeamish girlie girls. Even though I have no desire to touch a toad now, as a kid my brother and I did our share of playing with bugs and other icky things. It seems like a natural part of childhood to me.

So today when I found some worms as I worked in the garden, I called the girls over to have a look. I even picked a few up (with gardening gloves on, of course).

Abby's initial reaction? EEEWWW. GROSS.

But she slowly warmed up to the little guys and made them a nice wormy home. Claire was even brave enough to reach out a little finger and touch one.

I feel we are making progress. I will just make sure to keep my gardening gloves handy.

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First Blooms

This week is our second week of beautiful weather, which has to be some kind of record for Massachusetts.

All this springiness is making me giddy. My precious lilac bush has tiny, tiny purple buds and my beautiful pink peonies have magically come back to life. This is our pear tree, which is the first to bloom.

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Cutest Little Sox Fan

I know I am biased, but seriously, how cute is she?

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The Artist at Work

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Dirt + Snot + Ketchup + Blueberry

This is pretty much what my kids look like all summer. And I still want to cover her with kisses.

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Head to Toe Strawberry Cuteness

a friday haiku

Hundreds of dollars
spent at Gymboree and Gap
on cute girlie clothes.

You would never guess,
Abby only wears one dress
and looks like a mess.

Her hair is not brushed,
and if she wears a headband
it never does match.

Is that a sundress?
In 30 degree weather?
With leopard print shoes?

The poor little girl.
Her mother is terrible
to not dress her better.

Spring is the hardest.
It is hot, then cold again.
So hard to dress right.

She would look so cute.
But she has her own vision,
her own unique style.

I try not to fight.
I think she is beautiful,
despite her strange taste.

Some pictures you say?
I would so love to post some,
but none are allowed.

No, no, go away
she says to the camera.
Nothing is easy.


Edited to add:
Abby was so proud of today's outfit that she actually let me take a picture.




This ensemble features a Vera Bradley bag, a dress from this season's Gymboree collection, a vintage Children's Place hat, Saucony sneakers and accessories from Target.

If you see us at the market just smile and move along. We are all out of orange juice and mommy just wants to get out of the house in peace.

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Kids in a Candy Store

Abby found a penny in the street today. Her first question: How much candy can I buy with this?

Our local candy store does actually still have penny candy, but Mommy splurged and gave her a bright, shiny quarter for jelly beans. Naturally, Claire had to get in on the action too.

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Going to Grandmas

A rare Abby shot, since these days she hates having her picture taken.

friends like this

I started out this afternoon in a bad mood. Nothing especially bad had happened, it was just one of those moods. Maybe because my period is coming. Or because my coffee buddie is off on vacation. Or because I had a bit of a headache. Whatever the reason, I should have parked the kids in front of a movie and eaten a chocolate bar.

Instead, when Abby asked if she could have a friend over I agreed. Things started out well enough. Abby and her friend dressed up and went off into the princess hut. Claire hung out with me and read books.

Then the girls started having trouble agreeing on what to play with. I suggested we all go outside and try out Abby's new T-Ball set. Some fresh air is always good, right?

Abby was instantly frustrated with T-Ball because she could not stand close enough to the ball. Then when she did hit the ball, it did not go far enough. Then they tried to pull each other in the wagon but it was too heavy. Then they wanted to swing, which involved sharing since we only have two swings. Then there was some issue with fairies.

Things went on like this until Abby ended up inside, stripped down to her underwear screaming like a crazy person while Claire stood outside screaming her head off because she did not want to go inside.

The friends reaction to all this?

She notes that it is a bit loud and then calmly says to me "So, do you wanna play Polly Pockets with me?"

Apparently, among four year olds it is just no big deal if your friend is suddenly screaming and naked.

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What I Get in Exchange for Preschool Tuition

This little guy is also a pretty accurate reflection of my mood and hair style today.

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Ponytails!

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Rainy Sunday

An explosion of girl in our family room

suddenly, spring

Finally spring has come to my little Boston suburb. For weeks there have been little signs of change- days are longer, plants are sprouting, baseball is on TV- and now suddenly, it is spring.

I love the transformation that takes place in my neighborhood at this time of year. Suddenly everyone is outside again. Adults are walking dogs, working on yards or simply gossiping. Groups of children run from house to house. Suddenly my front yard is littered with bikes, scooters, balls and chalk. Some belong to my children, some to neighbors that have passed through during the course of the day. Even snacks are eaten outside with dirty fingers because I can not bear to force the kids inside.

At the end of the day, I sat on the front step with the girls slumped against me. We were tired, but we were not ready to go inside. So we sat and simply watched the cars come and go. We listened to the frogs and the bugs sing. We breathed in the sweet smell of spring.

Some days I have my doubts about living in this suburban land of the SUV, but on days like this I can not imagine any place better for us.

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Saturday Morning

The best thing about Saturday mornings? Daddy gets up early and makes us a big, delicious breakfast.

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Fun at Playland

They probably did this 50 times, and somehow every time was still fun.

the two- a friday haiku

The Two

The two is coming
I thought maybe not you,
my sweet easy girl

I see warning signs
The tantrums are still silent,
but stubborn you grow

I know it's not you
You can not help acting two
We will still love you

Then:

and now:

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First Sandal Day of the Year

Sixty degrees and sunny. Tomorrow it will be forty degrees again, but for one blissful day the neighborhood came alive with the sounds of summer.

childhood

I spend a fair amount of time feeling vaguely guilty about the things I do not do more of as a parent. A better parent would plan craft projects. A better parent would not feel bored or lazy. A better parent would savor every moment with her children. A better parent would not take time away from her kids to blog. A better parent would play board games and puzzles. A better parent would not let her kids watch TV. A better parent would get them dressed and make sure their faces were clean, even if they are not going out.

We do our fair share of socializing and organized activities. But the truth is that when we are home I enforce meal time, nap time, bath time and bed time. That's it. For the rest of the time, what they do is up to the kids. Often they ask to watch TV. Often I let them. If they want help or want me to read a book, I will, but I do not structure activities for them. I do like to get them outside when possible, for my sanity and theirs. But I do not force them to do anything in their "free" time. I also do not provide constant entertainment. I want them to use their imaginations and work out problems on their own. Lazy parenting? Maybe.

But what actually happens during this free time? Sometimes they watch TV. But mostly, they have fun. They run and they laugh. They use their imaginations. They create new games together. They play.

Just the other day they were working together to act out a Dora type mission that involved the insert from my birth control pills as the map and my torn apart couch as a bridge. They were working together. And having fun. TV provided the inspiration and my being distracted by a telephone conversation provided them with the opportunity to trash the place.

This is the essence of what childhood is to me. Days filled with fun, surprises, laughter and imagination. Whatever else I might or might not be giving my kids, I am giving them a childhood.

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Outside!! With Paint!!

Getting outside in the warm sun? Exciting. Getting to use side walk paint? Even more exciting. Running off with your sisters paint brush? So exciting, your tongue hangs out.

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MY do it!!

a day of FUN

Since Claire had not been out of her pajamas in three days, I thought it was time to shake things up a little. The girls and I headed into the big city for a day (actually more like 4 hours) of FUN.

This FUN included a train ride, snacks, a visit to the Boston Children's Museum, pizza and lollipops.

Abby's favorite part of the day was climbing this. When I took this picture she was three stories up in the air, having climbed up a series of these platforms sounded by netting. No fear of heights for this girl. I, on the other hand, was a little sick in the pit of my stomach just taking this picture.

My sweet Claire enjoyed the bubble room and discovered an amazing toy--alphabet magnets. Claire loves letters. She loves books about letters. She loves to point out letters where ever we go. But for some reason it never occurred to me that she might enjoy this incredibly basic $2 toy. She found some today and her whole face lit up with excitement. Forget the high tech water room, Mommy, there are letters here.

Our regularly scheduled preschool, grocery shopping and bickering will resume tomorrow. I am even staying up extra late tonight to ensure a grumpy morning. Because I am smart like that.

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All Girl

I love this picture because the reflection in the mirror looks like an older version of Abby to me. Kind of like that cartoon where a kitten looks in the mirror and sees a lion.

Abby found this "wedding dress" on our shopping trip yesterday. As soon as she got home she got all dolled up and started marrying her stuffed animals.

Then, just when I started to worry about her being such a girlie girl, she started laughing about her stinky farts. And then farting some more to see if she could make even stinkier farts. I do not think we will be marrying her off any time soon.

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Claire

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Baby No Nap

Claire: up at 8:30 am, no nap, bed at 7 pm

Abby: up at 6 am, three hour nap, bed at ????

Daddy: off to work at 7 am, back home ????

Seriously, people??

manners, please

This morning involved the usual routine. Wake up late, rush to get ready, fight with Abby about clothes, hair brushing and using the potty all in the hope of getting the three of us out of the house at 8:30 for preschool drop off.

This morning Claire slept until 8:20. Not a problem. I planned to just throw a coat and boots over her pajamas for the ride and give her breakfast when we got home. But as we were in the final, grumpy stages of getting out the door, Claire asked for some Cheerios.

Some Cheerios, she asked, pointing at the box on the counter. Want some please, mommy? Cheerios please, Mommy?

We will eat when we get home I muttered in what was definitely not my most loving, patient mommy voice.

Undeterred, Claire went and got a small plastic bag. She brought it to me and again asked in her sweet, hopeful voice for Cheerios please. Still grumpy, I tossed some in the bag and handed it to her with a grunt.

And what did my sweet, almost two year old girl say to this?

"Thank you, Mommy!"

Exactly who is setting the example for who around here?

silly, silly girl

I thought I was beyond story time anxiety. This is my second child after all. I have done story time before. I am a pro at sign up. I know where to go and where to sit. I have done the mommy dating scene and I am not even particularly looking for any new friends.

Yet this morning, I found myself carefully getting ready for the first session. Makeup or no makeup? Hair up or down? I generally do not bother much with what I look like. I shower on a regular basis and highlight my hair. Every few months I even head over to The Gap to freshen up my mommy wardrobe. But I just don’t have the time or energy for much daily primping.

I decided on makeup and hair up. After all, I did not want to look like I was actually trying to look good or anything. And the finishing touch? Ridiculously expensive sunglasses, of course. For Claire, I selected one of her cutest Talbot’s Kids sweaters, jeans, fancy pink shoes and of course pigtails with matching ribbons. As I write this, even I am embarrassed to know me. I know better, but I just can’t help myself. And of course as soon as we got there, I felt ridiculously silly as I looked around at the 10 other average, friendly looking moms. And even a grandma.

But as we waved our puppets and sang nursery rhymes, I took a closer look at the other mom and baby pairs. I saw a crawling baby in a dress and tights. Moms in sweats and suspiciously cute shoes. Even the grandmother was wearing a pretty hip looking sweatshirt. Perhaps I am not the only silly, silly girl out there after all?

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Abby's Fancy Bed

A few days ago Abby decided to make her room look fancy. This involved rearranging the items on her dresser and vanity, snagging some "pretty things" from Claire's room, moving her toys and adding these blankets to her bed.

The really strange part? Yesterday morning and then again this morning, the blankets were carefully arranged in exactly the same way on her bed. Slowly it dawned on me, SHE IS MAKING HER BED. This is a big deal because I do not make beds. Occasionally I pull up the covers, but that is it. And I certainly never suggested to her that she make her bed. All on her own, she has become a mini homemaker/decorator.

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Gum Flavored Ice Cream with Gum

The most amazing ice cream flavor ever if you are a 1 year old or a 4 year old. The most revoltingly sweet, disgusting concoction ever if you are a 33 year old.

my little big girl

As her second birthday approaches, I am being forced to face the fact that Claire is no longer a baby.

I like routine. I am the more cautious parent. I am generally happy to keep doing things the way I have been doing them. It is typically daddy that encourages the girls to try new things, whether it is drinking from a real cup or climbing the stairs. He was the one who pushed Abby to climb up the highest slide at the playground and taught her to ride her bike down the big hills.

He is also the one who suggested Claire sit on this very high kitchen stool rather than her nice, safe high chair. The stool she now wants to sit on for every snack because "I big Mommy". *sigh*

When Abby was this age, I was already pregnant again. I needed her to be big. Time to move her to a big girl bed? Great, we need the crib. She needed to be the big sister. To be Mommy's helper. I enjoyed her baby days, but even then my focus was always very much on the future. What she would do next. What her future held. Who she would become years down the road.

But Claire is my second and probably last baby. My sweet little baby. My focus with her has always been the here and now.

But even if you try your best to ignore it, this growing up happens all the same. Like it or not, my baby girl is really no longer a baby. My days of rocking her to sleep are numbered. The high chair and crib will go up to the attic soon. My baby nursery will become a big girl room.

This growing up business does have it's advantages. Most nights, everyone sleeps. Most days, no one throws up on me. I don't miss the loads of baby gear that littered my house. The back breaking bag of supplies I needed for a simple trip to the mall. The endless cycle of nursing and sleeping that made it tough to get out of the house at all. The crying for no reason.

I am very excited about the future. I am looking forward to the things we can do as we are less house bound. Trips to the beach this summer with my two big girls. Trips to the zoo and the city and the park.

I guess I am just surprised that it has happened so quickly. Even when it felt so painfully slow.

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Bath Time Laughs