Over the years some strange things have made me cry. Today it was a scene from Toy Story 2.
The scene where Jesse, the little cowgirl doll, reveals that she is so sad and bitter because she was forgotten by the girl who once loved her.
In a flash back we see a little girl dressed up like just like the doll. The two of them are laughing and playing in the sun together. The doll basks in the warmth and completeness of the girls love. Then the doll falls behind the bed and gets forgotten as the girl grows up. From under the bed the doll watches the toys get pushed aside and teenage things take their place. With amazement and great sadness, she realizes she has been forgotten. Finally, the grown girl drops some makeup under the bed, reaches under and finds the doll. The little doll is so happy to feel loved again, but it turns out the girl is just bringing her to the donation bin.
Damn Pixar and their amazing ability to capture all the warmth and magic of childhood and then show it all disappear in two minutes.
All at once it hit me that my girls are going to grow up and like the doll I am going to be tossed aside. Today I am their favorite playmate. They need and want me all the time, day and night. They want to share everything with me. Their needs are intense but so is their love.
Their warm little bodies are mine to kiss anytime. Their sweet little voices tell me they love me throughout the day. They want to eat everything I eat, drink everything I drink, wear my makeup, wear my shoes. They want to be me. They were once a part of me.
How in the world am I supposed to go from being EVERYTHING to them to being a much smaller part of their lives? How do I go from the warmth and completeness of their baby love to the coldness, rejection and indifference that is sure to come?
Sure, I enjoy a night out with my husband. It would be nice to take a vacation or sleep in for a weekend. I would like to have more time to read or learn Photoshop, but they are my LIFE. Having them changed my life so dramatically and so completely that I just can't imagine what my life will be without their presence, without their demands and their love, to define each day.
I am beginning to think the hardest part of motherhood is not giving birth or toddler tantrums or even the crazy, utterly exhausting newborn period. I am beginning to think that letting go of these babies I have held so close to my heart is going to be the hardest part of all.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
YUP! you totally hit the nail on the head. I posted a similar post back in January I think. Letting go......it is going to be the worst thing EVER!
ReplyDeletehugs from one smitten mom to another.
I too cringe at the thought of them growing up. But a recent conversation with my husband's aunt brought to light something that I had completely overlooked. She explained that the relationship that she has with her daughter now is one of the best things about having a daughter. Then I considered the relationship I have with my mother and I think she would probably say the same thing.
ReplyDeleteYes, we will be letting go of our babies, and during their adolescents and teens they will most likely want as little to do with us as humanly possible. But, beyond the dirty looks and rolled eyes, lies a promised land... there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Rather than look back with sorrow, we can look forward in anticipation to having an adult relationship with our daughters.
**sigh**
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. Took my son to school today for his kindergarten assessment. He will be starting "big kid school" in the fall.
**sigh**
You made me tear up! This is my greatest fear as Adelay's mother- that one day, the closeness, the "you are so much a part of me you might as well be an extra limb" feeling that I have about her, and she about me, will disappear into the madness of teenage angst. I will be the enemy.
ReplyDeleteI don't fear this as greatly with Eli, because I have never witnessed the intense loathing between son and mom that I have between daughters and their moms. On the other hand, they don't seem to stay as close once they grow up, while daughters often become your best friends down the road.
Oh man I felt this right in my heart. Letting go is the hardest lesson of them all.
ReplyDeleteTalk about bittersweet. :O
From the show "Children of Eden"
ReplyDeleteOh this son of mine I love so well
And all the toil it takes
I'd give to him a garden and keep clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes
He goes charging on the cliffs of life
A reckless mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble
I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless
And he'd still refuse to hear
But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go
As a child I found a sparrow
Who had fallen form the nest
And I nursed him back to health till he was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it
It would peck and scratch my chest
Till I let it go
And I watched it fly away from me
With it's brightened self resolve
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungery and I feared it might go wrong
But I could not close the acorn
Once the oak began to grow
And I cannot close my heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go
Is the letting go
And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost
But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go
just the thought of this makes me cry. i truly can't stand the reality that one day i won't be her world.
ReplyDeletewhich is why i try each and every day to soak her up...
Oh man, don't make me cry too!
ReplyDeleteThe thing that makes me feel a little better is the fact that my mom is still a huge part of my life. To this day, she is one of the first ones I call about pretty much anything. And she is still a huge influence in my life. And I still often think - what would my mom think I should do? - when I am wrestling with a problem. I hope my kids feel the same way about me.