I want to stop time. I want to savor every last minute of my girls being young. Somehow my baby, my second and last baby, just turned two. This just does not seem possible. I remember her birth and her baby days so clearly, yet they seem so far away.
Every day both girls are a little more independent. Everyday they need and want me a little less. Abby and her friends tumble around the house in their own imaginary world, speaking a secret language of shrieks that only they understand. Claire still enjoys hanging out with me as long as I follow her commands- read this, draw that, put this dress on this doll. But in her sister I see the future.
I want to remember every detail. I want to fill every moment with joy and laughter. I want to make the absolute most of every precious moment. I want to be the best mother to them that I can in this short time that I am given.
But at the same time, at the very same time, I struggle to pass the days. I look forward to my precious nap time, then dinner time, then the moment when Daddy comes home and then finally, finally the magical bedtime hour. My spirits lift as we successfully near the end of another day. I look forward to another day done. To a few precious moments spent relaxing with my husband. A few precious moments of not having to watch anyone or play anything or fetch anything.
Even worse, in those exceedingly precious moments with my children I struggle. I struggle to find the energy and enthusiasm to be the mom I want to be. I struggle to find the patience. I struggle with my own boredom. I struggle with my desire for more time to myself, for myself. I struggle to block out the stress of the adult world- the bills, the things that need fixing and cleaning and buying.
Will they remember the times I get it right or the times I get it wrong?
And what, exactly, is it that I want? More time in the day? Less time in the day? More time with the kids? Less time with the kids? How can I want more and less of them at the same time?
Time, it would seem, is not this mother's friend.
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I couldn't have said it better myself. isn't it amazing how we can have such internal struggles. I feel the EXACT same way. I can't get enough of Sugar and won't want this time to slip away, but heaven forbid I don't get my naptime and evening time to just be me.
ReplyDeleteIt is so interesting this parenting stuff.
I feel exactly the same.
ReplyDeleteoh friend. where were you this morning when i was trying to explain this to my husband. i truly feel the exact same way. and i just can't seem to stop the guilt.
ReplyDeletei try so hard to be in the moment. to soak them up. but i too long for nap time.
i clearly didn't get the memo on just how hard yet wonderful this thing called mommy really is.
Exactly!
ReplyDeleteand here's the thing - i remember - REMEMBER! - feeling similar conflicting feelings at every job I've ever loved. i try to remember this when my kids are inexplicably fussy: sometimes, maybe more often than not, even we grown-ups just don't know what we want.
ReplyDeleteI could cry reading this!! You have put into words what my heart struggles with every single day.
ReplyDeletethank you.
Wonderfully and brilliantly written.
ReplyDeleteWow. Exactly. I never want my little girls to grow up. But then I find myself eager for time to myself!
ReplyDeleteAnd I know I will look back, with lots of tears, and think how could I ever have missed one second of their childhood? Crazy isn't it?
I look at my 3 yo and wonder where my baby went; I look at my 8 yo and wonder why he's in such a rush to grow up, all the while knowing that he IS still a little boy and I'll look back at these years with such fond memories too.
ReplyDeleteYou've captured the essence of motherhood so well here. Excellent post.
Just stopped by to say Happy POW! What a great choice!
ReplyDeleteI don't think that there's a single mother on the face of the earth that doesn't feel exactly the same way. Brilliantly put.
ReplyDeleteThat was perfect. I know exactly how you feel!
ReplyDelete